To those laymen who are unaware, MUD is an acronym for Multi-User Dungeon, or any online game world which accommodates more than one player. That description spans everything from text based game environments to World of Warcraft. MUDs are fun, however that’s not exactly what I want to focus on.

Impossible, now that’s the ticket. Ever since I had the idea to start this project, I’ve been told that it is impossible to complete for one guy like me. However what exactly is impossible? Is it impossible for man to fly? Is it impossible to walk on water? Is it impossible to traverse hundreds of miles within minutes? All of these things we humans, regular humans (not JUST people in myths and holy books) have done. Therefore none of these things can really be impossible. They may be highly improbable, and completely implausible, but not impossible.

So what is impossible? What can we venture to think of that cannot be done, by no means, ever? Even defying the laws of gravity are possible. While right now we don’t have the technology, theoretically we could stop gravity by reducing the earths rotation. The fact that it would kill us not withstanding, it could be done. I’m even sure, with time, we could tinker with the fundimental equations which balance the universe itself. Once again, that would most likely kill us, but I’m sure it could be done. Therefore I would venture to say that the only things that we cannot do, and thus the only thing that is truly “impossible”, is that thing that nobody has thought of yet. Everything else is merely improbable.

On July 10th I got a text message at work from my girlfriend, telling me the intersection down the street from our house was blocked off by several police cars. I was walking through a car garage just over Wishard hospital when an ambulance pulled in, followed by 3 squad cars. Officer Jason Fishburn had been shot while in pursuit of a murder suspect. While my girlfriend told me about the swat vehicles arriving on scene, I watched as doctors comforted grieving family and co-workers.

Around July 21st we had new neighbors move in. An older man, a younger mother, and her two small daughters. I came home after work on several occasions to find the lass outside courting what I assumed were male suitors. Within a week there was violence, as her male friends began beating the living shit out of her older “boyfriend”.

Tonight I was driving home as normal when a police officer pulled out behind me. I pulled into my street and he turned with me, at first tailing me very closely then backing off. I pulled into the parking of an abandoned ice company down the street from my house and the officer passed me by. I turned around and tried to find parking in front of my house, however my street has become very populated and there is only parking on one side. So I had to back into the ice company again. Just as I had backed up so did the officer, and he pointed both his light and his gun at me and made me approach his car. Hence I ended up on my knees with my hands cuffed behind my back and a gun in my face.

I always heard stories from people I know about being pulled over because they “fit the description.” Apparently someone had broken into a laundry down the street wearing all white. The only witness described them as being a “black or light skinned” man. That’s a very broad description, and since my work uniform is a white shirt and khaki pants, I guess I fit it pretty well. Subjectively I know I could be upset. I went from coming home from work with no place to park to being suspect to a felony in a matter of seconds. However when I re-evaluate it objectively, I can see that the overall issue was subjectivity. Subjectively that officer saw that I was dirty, wearing all white, a black or light skinned male, and behaving strangely with my car. It also helps that he wasn’t a prick, and listened well enough to understand that I was innocent even before the eye witness identified that I wasn’t the guy.

I’m living in the middle of the hood. Run down buildings all around me, niggaz out hustlin all around me. Yet somehow I have hope that maybe, just maybe, an objective view of this situation can provide me with the different perspective so desperately needed. I pray to god I survive long enough to find it.

I heard a new track from Nas – Black President. I’d like to share it with you now, if I can.

The practice itself spans back to the earliest portions of human history. Cave men drew on walls. Societies have developed the arts. Dead men are world renown for their painting skill. Yet there’s something different about the photograph. Where a painting may take weeks or months to complete, a photograph can be developed in minutes. It takes but a fraction of a second to press the button which activates the device, which in itself contributed to numerous superstitions. However going into detail would only serve to derail my thoughts.

I’m asking this frivolous, and possibly redundant, question because I did have some remembering to do. I find that, while some of the broader points of my experiences were readily apparent to me, I do have difficulty remembering fine details. This may be due to todays busier life [and I scoff... me being busy... HA!], or perhaps the result of my THC soaked high school career. Then I think of those older individuals in our society who can remember even less than I am able to. How must they feel, knowing that they have a lifetime of experiences which they can only encounter again through small laminated pieces of paper? We humans as a species do learn with our experiences, and it is the ability to recall those experiences which gives us “wisdom”.

Yet does that self-same wisdom come from recalling specific experiences, or do we take the lessons we learn with us long after we forget the exact circumstances which taught them to us? I suppose this is why I’ve asked such a cryptic question tonight. Right now I am at an impasse, because I know that my experiences through life have shaped my personality however I cannot recall what experiences shaped what. I don’t have documentation to reference back to, so I’m going to be stuck pondering by myself. It’s not easy, but I think I can do it.

What is the value of a picture? Can we contemplate ourselves without having documentation of our experiences? For me, this is what I will be doing this time of year. I will say this however, the solstice is a good starting point for this practice, however one day just isn’t enough.

One Luv Everybody – A_O

I’ve had the pleasure of getting promoted at my job, of course when I say pleasure I can only add that I’m just expecting to endure the conflict and confusion that I deal with regularly anyway. However aside from a foreboding feeling I have about the increased responsibility, and the somewhat negligent attitude I have toward the increase in pay, I’m really finding that I’m enthralled by the challenge of taking a position of leadership. In the same sense I already know it’s a thankless job, and as I watch my new peer group saunter about drained and exhausted like zombies, I’m really not looking forward to it. However I’m finding that I have to make a mad scramble in self correction already… it seems people just don’t like me too well standing over them.

So I find that people feel I’m talking down to them. I come off as abrasive or mean, and when I’m giving instruction I seem to be pompous or arrogant. Not good comments to hear the first couple days on the job. So now I get the joy of rewiring my entire system. It’s like trying to learn to be social yet again. I have to work on how I talk to people, how I respond to people, and generally how I react in a social situation. I also get to restructure my vocabulary, because while my blog doesn’t show it I curse like a sailor. I have to learn to be professional as for so long I’ve just been personal. I’m not going to speak outside of the truth, this is going to suck.

However regardless of how bad I speak of the idea, I’m ready to do it. In fact, I’m ready to put everything I have into this endeavor. Silly me, I’m not even sure why. It may be because it’s a challenge, or because it lifts me out of a job I’ve been doing for over a year. However I honestly believe it’s my passion to lead that drives me, and if I can learn from the experience and take those lessons with me on my way it will all be worth it.

So it seems, my old habits are old hat. As it is, this position is my new groove. Can I dig my heels in and make it work, or will I be sent flying into the stratosphere? Guess we’ll find out together.

So why am I going of on this sort of erroneous tangent? It’s quite simple really, I can only write from my experiences and this is the most recent of them. At least it counts as the most difficult. I have been forced to confront myself on some difficult issues. These are issues that I have recognized as being issues for quite some time, and yet never before was I driven to resolve them. As I look I’m finding that the first step, which is simply identifying and admitting the problem, is exasperating. Whether it’s verbally spoken, hand written, or typed I just can’t seem to clearly describe what the problem actually is.

So how does one confront themselves on their most difficult issues? While it has been said to be impossible, so it was said about my sobering up and rediscovering my intellect. I’m also finding that talking to other people doesn’t seem to help, as they are more interested in telling you what to do than listening to the entire issue. Yet I haven’t actually tried talking to myself yet, because even tho I’m far-gone enough to make it an actual two way conversation I’m still not sure if I could keep the personal bias from interfering. Meditation, in my personal experience, is also overrated. Yet again, this would be because I don’t like sitting in the stiff posture which eastern meditation tends to employ. I find it to be a distraction, and it doesn’t help in the moment. Granted studies show that those who meditate 30 minutes a day turn out to be less stressed and show more brain stimulation… but that doesn’t really help me much.

To return to the subject, I really will have to explore the history and influence of the aforementioned issues. Because I know them to be causing problems, however my only solutions are cosmetic and would do little to treat the internal schism which is causing my distress.

I haven’t been around for a while, and honestly I doubt I have readers. Recently I’ve engaged in the first relationship I’ve been in for about 3 years and to be honest it’s proving to be a very stressful event. Not to say that I’m not happy, nor would I say that she’s not a good woman, but like these lyrics by the Doors say there’s so much room for improvement.

While I normally try to make abstract philosophy, and my few commentaries on male/female interactions have fallen in a blaze of fiery doom, I would still like to explore the topic of relationships. What makes a solid relationship? Is it honesty? I saw the woman I’m with in her rawest, most unbashfully honest state that I’ve seen yet tonight. It really threw my off my guard and honestly got under my skin a bit. It’s not that it wasn’t appreciated, and her candid commentary generated some conversation on subject matter which could create a rift between us if left unchecked. However I was severely put off by some of the things she said and it took me quite some time to get over them. I also have the same issue with honesty. I’m candid, sometimes extremely so, and it often surprises her to the point of having a lax jaw. What’s gonna happen when the shock eventually wears off? Can she sustain allowing me to be so real or will she attempt to correct me? How about me, will I end up telling her those things she does that annoy me to no end? The greater question may very well be what the effect that would have on our relationship would be.

How about trust? Honestly trust isn’t something that I find I can give so easily, however it seems she has placed hers in me whole heartedly. Where does trust stop being a matter of experience and become an issue of faith? It’s gonna be hard, because previous experiences have taught me that I should be jumpy when I’m left incommunicado. This subject also bleeds into the matter of honesty, because honestly how long can she stand being told that I don’t yet trust her. I suppose that brings the question of the validity of trust easily given. Is such trust worth more when it has been earned? Yet again is it fair to expect the innocent to prove their innocence instead of providing the benefit of the doubt lest they be proven guilty? Who has that kind of patience?

Speaking of patience, that should be a subject within itself. How much of a solid relationship is patience? I can tell stories of couples who have been married for years, through adultery and other indiscretions, and yet continue their relationships. If you couldn’t guess, that takes a titanic amount of internal fortitude. However I’ve also seen patience overextended. What else could make a person stay with their lover through all abuses until that lover finally takes their life? So when should the patience be cut? What are the signs that say “Hey, you’re lettin too much slip”? According to other’s I’ve spoken too, the woman I’m with in general, I have sat through things in the one month that we’ve been together that would send most folks running. Have I been too patient? What if she becomes more aggressive, assertive, and demanding? Would I continue to be patient through that? On the flip side, how patient with me would she be. She’s already admitted to not having my kind of patience, and as I probably said before I have been very assertive and somewhat demanding during the course of our relationship. How long is she going to stick around for that?

I’m not going to speak on a subject so frivolous as common interests, because honestly we can find things that one of us enjoys that the other simply isn’t familiar with. The emotional attachments are in themselves quite useless to the conversation, as just having the feelings without solid actions are simply like an unfulfilled dream. It’s shaky, as I still don’t feel our relationship stands on solid ground. However like the Doors or in my case Al Green (it was a remake) stated, there is much room to keep moving up. Wish me luck, and I’m gonna try to stop being lazy and write more (and not about my relationships)… I ain’t makin no promises tho.

I awaken to find my arm cramped up near my head, and my throat hoarse. I am unable to speak, unable to scream. To make things worse, I am being attacked by an animal. Unfortunately I do not have time to consider if it is an alligator or a crocodile, as my life is in danger and I am trying to fight it off with one hand, however I do eventually escape and find myself in a location very much like my grandmother’s old dining room.

By this point my goal is to simply escape, however as I reach each door that leads to the living room (a gateway to freedom) I find that I am greeted by a snarling raccoon. The two animals corner me on a table, however instead of them climbing up to get me I am attacked by two orange cats. These cats are modeled around a cat I am familiar with, a local stray with whom I am acquainted and consider myself friends. These cats try to jump up on the table and attack me, biting and scratching, until I finally loosen my arm from it’s cramped position (up and in the air) and fight them off.”

I believe I remember seeing the raccoons in a previous dream, however this was a powerful experience and therefore is the only one I remember. Therefore when I woke up I wrote the dream down, and looked up the elements in a dream dictionary. I would like to share definitions about certian elements in the dream.

Alligator
To see an alligator in your dream, symbolizes treachery, deceit, and hidden instincts. It may be a signal for you to take a new perspective on a situation. It may also represent your ability to move between the material world of waking life and the emotional, repressed world of the unconscious. Alternatively, the alligator represents healing powers and qualities.

To dream that you are running away from the alligator, indicates that you are unwilling to confront some painful and disturbing aspect of your unconscious. There is some potentially destructive emotion that you are refusing to acknowledge and owning up to.

Crocodile
To see a crocodile in your dream, forewarns of hidden danger. Someone near you is giving you bad advice and is trying to sway you into poor decisions. The crocodile may be an aspect of yourself and your aggressive and “snappy” attitude. Or maybe it reveals that you have displayed some false emotions and shedding “crocodile tears”.

To dream that you are chased or bitten by a crocodile, denotes disappointments in love and in business.

Cat
To see a cat in your dream, signifies much misfortune, treachery, and bad luck. However, for the cat lover, cats signifies an independent spirit, feminine sexuality, creativity, and power. If the cat is aggressive, then it suggests that you are having problems with the feminine aspect of yourself.

To dream that a cat is biting you, symbolizes the devouring female. Perhaps you are taking and taking without giving. You may be expressing some fear or frustration especially when something is not going as planned.

Raccoon
To see a raccoon in your dream, signifies deceit, thievery, and of false friends secretly conspiring against you.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

It seems that the animals in question portray a very negative or ominous message for me. However lets talk about other elements of the dream as well. I’m not sure about the Alligator/Crocodile, moreso about how many were there, however I did notice a running theme was the fact that almost everything came in pairs. The cats, the raccoons, and even the doors had a double. According to the dream dictionary, items working as pairs would be defined as follows:

Pairs
To see pairs of things or concepts in your dream, represents the need for balance in your life. Usually the pairs are opposites of each other and serves as a way for the mind to compartmentalize things for better understanding.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

At this point, so that the dream can be viewed in an overall manor, I will want to introduce the other elements of the dream. For example, the cats were orange with brown stripes. Those were the only colors I remember, so I feel it would be important to define them.

Brown
Brown denotes worldliness, practicality, domestic and physical comfort, conservatism, and a materialistic character. Brown also represents the ground and earth.

Orange
Orange denotes friendliness, courtesy, lively, sociability, and an out-going nature. You may want to expand your horizons and look into new interests.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

Since I am dissecting this dream, I will now consider the two most prominent items in the dream, which were the door and the table. While the definitions may not be exact to the situation, I do feel they give an insight into the issues which may be surfacing.

Door
To dream that you are entering through a door, signifies new opportunities that will be presented before you. You are entering into a new stage in your life, moving from one level of consciousness to another. In particular, a door that opens to the outside, signifies your need to be more accessible to others, whereas a door that opens into the inside, denotes your desire for inner exploration and self-discovery.

To dream that of locked doors, signifies opportunities that are denied and not available to you or that you have missed out on.

Table
To see a table in your dream, represents social unity and the potential for a meeting or gathering. It refers to your social and family connections. If the table is broken or not functional, then it suggests some dissension in a group. Perhaps there is something you cannot hold inside any longer and need to bring it out in the open.

To see a round table in your dream, indicates evenness, sharing, cooperation and equal rights and opportunities for all. It may also symbolize honesty, loyalty, and chivalry.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

Finally we come to the fighting. The dream was a nightmare to me, which could be left to explain it, however the interest of contemplation I will define this element as well.

Fighting
To dream that you participate in a fight, indicates inner turmoil. Some aspect of yourself is in conflict with another aspect of yourself. Perhaps an unresolved or unacknowledged part is fighting for its right to be heard. It may also parallel a fight or struggle that you are going through in your waking life.

To dream that you are fighting to the death, indicates that you are unwilling to acknowledge a waking conflict or your own inner turmoil. You are unwilling and refusing to change your old attitudes and habits.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

While I am not adverse to the idea of Extra Sensory Perception (or psychic ability), I personally do not believe myself psychic or put any stock in psychic readings. The psychological consequences, however, did worry me somewhat when I woke up. Yet now that I have dissected this dream, I see that what is bothering me here is the fact that I do have a hard time trusting the woman I’m dating. Not unexpected, as previous experience has treated me badly. However this has been positive, because it has given me a motivation to talk to this woman, and she states that she understands my point of view. So thank you, if you are still reading, for having the patience to sit through this and follow the course of this dream with me. I do hope it has been an insightful consideration for some of you as well.

People who avoid the news, in my experience, tend to do so because it makes them sad. It makes them sad because it tells them about the bad things that happen in the world. Bad things happen in the world because a strong enough group of people have not moved against them. Those people don’t mobilize for change because they either do not believe they can be a catalyst for change and are uninspired, or they simply do not understand the dire situation in which they are in. These misconceptions could be remedied by gaining knowledge of the worlds current events and what is being done to create resolution. In other words, by observing the news. Therefor we are stuck in a catch-22, a trap of circular logic made by our own devise.

So if I can, I really have to ask this question. When the pursuit of ignorance becomes preferable to gaining knowledge, what happens to the human race? Do we simply come to a standstill in our progression? Do we begin to regress until we come to a second dark age? With simple observation of my peer group I notice two things. One, my people make great material for stand up comedy. Secondly, and indeed much more critically, I fear that a majority of folks are willingly leading themselves into ignorance for the sake of comfort. Theoretically speaking, this phenomenon would most likely stem from a logical fallacy. Basically the sequence of thought would seem to begin with “I can’t do anything about it, so it doesn’t effect me”, which then would lead too the statement “Whats the point of learning about it if it doesn’t directly involve me”. I can’t really say if this comes from a lack of lateral thinking, which might explain why they wouldn’t be able to connect how different events are related, or if it’s just a sense of apathy regarding anything outside of one’s own personal sphere of influence. Either way, my example is clearly a pursuit of comfort through ignorance. Therefore, if that is the common attitude shared by the people, I’m afraid to see what happens to us if knowledge becomes necessary for our survival.

An additional point I would like to make that there are those who avoid the “news” because they believe it to be corrupted and spoon fed from biased sources. However there are always alternative options in regards to informational sources, like blogs or international media, for one to choose from. Therefor avoiding knowledge remains what it was before, which is the pursuit of ignorance.

My initial understanding of philosophy came from studying eastern religions. Eastern religions, like all religions, actually have a very strong philosophical background. However, unlike most, those thinkers in the east have been able to question themselves more openly than in other surviving cultures. It is for that reason that, instead of simply adding their message to an already existing dogma, those influential individuals with something to say simply wrote their own literature and/or had their own followers. For this reason the essential points of their philosophy are easy to find, like the balance of nature in Taoism of the eight fold path of Buddhism. Yet as I study philosophy more and more, I come to see the fallacies which even the cultures of the east (which I admired so much) fall to commonly.

Take, for instance, Buddhism. The Buddha-mind intends to lead one on the path of contentment, persuading it’s followers to pass on material and physical happiness for the sake of harmony and enlightenment. Sidhartha Buddha stated that the ultimate truth could not be found through him, as everyone must experience their own truth. However todays Buddhists cling to relics of the past for enlightenment and seek the diety-esque protection of the many Buddhas.

Religions, as a general rule, are highly ritualistic. Even Atheism, which is the staunch denial of omnipotent being(s), is characterized by the passionate rejection and often attacking of other theistic belief systems. They also teach the doctrine of their belief or faith, which is the belief in nothing. Yet observing rituals does not necessarily carry negative connotations. While fasting – which is the self-denial of pleasurable items or company – is often considered to be a religious habit, it can also serve to remind us of hardship and what it is like for others. The concept of prayer, which is the vocal communication with one’s deity of choice, can communicate our fears and desires to us vocally so that we can make sense of them or simply give us a trusted figure to speak to on the matters.

Yet it is zealous obedience which I should dare say to be the mark of every religion. The general populace of believers are often stubborn and likely to become angry or offended upon questioning their time honored truths. For centuries misunderstandings on the grounds of religions alone have caused strife and warfare. Take for example the ignition of the Sepoy Rebellion where Muslims and Hindus rebelled together against the East Indian Trading Company. While there were great many reasons for the rebellion, the catalyst is speculated as being an impending forced conversion to Christianity of all military personnel and the use of new gun powder rations, which had to be ripped open with the teeth and were believed sealed with pork or beef fat. While such zeal can be used as a positive energy, such being in the case of Jeanne d’Arc (Joan of Arc), a simple glance toward todays Arabic nations will show how unquestioning zeal is easily led astray.

I would like to follow this chain of thought by claiming religion to be closed minded. Unfortunately, while some of the larger groups fit that description, that generalization does not adhere to everything. However I will state that I find there to be a pursuit of a single doctrine with most religions, and thus the pursuit of knowledge is not always a major religious concern. This is the greatest difference between Religion and Philosophy (think I forgot my original point?)

Religions provides us with a set of ideals, a moral compass if you will, to adhere to as we live our lives. Philosophy is the pursuit of knowledge, which rejects the common religious favor toward ignorance to all truths except for one, however can be fairly lacking from a moral standpoint. Next time I write, which I can’t guarantee when, I would like to explore philosophy like I’ve explored religion here. Then I’ll be free to contemplate their coexistence and how they benefit one another.

So show that I’m a good sport, and don’t believe everyone religious is a wing nut, I present Todd H. Dow. A Christian philosopher who looks like he might be game for a good theistic discussion, I’m actually interested after reading some of what he has to say on Richard Dawkins’ “The God Delusion”.

This is a common example when people think of philosophy. Many believe it to be mental masturbation to make the ego-centric feel smart. However the question has a valid basis in the ideolistic philosophy of George Berkeley. The basic premise of Berkeley’s arguement was everything we encounter in life is subject to perception. Color, size, texture and sound are all factors in life which can vary from individual to individual, depending on point of view. Therefore to break down the previous question, the example can be posed as follows.

 A deaf man is alone in a forest. A tree cracks from old age and falls over. However the  cracking of old wood and the impact with the ground, while moving the air around him, does nothing to stimulate his ear drums. Since science tells us that sound is simply energy creating vibrations in the air, it is only fair to assume that to him the energy is only creating vibrations,. There is no sound.

 Another arguement, to this degree, would be an infants perception of a cookie as compaired to a grown man. The same cookie, without a doubt, yet much bigger to one than to the other. However this arguement is not perfect, because while an inch may seem bigger to one of us than it does to another, it is still a uniform length. But this philosophy would make for a good debate over drinks, as a square could very well not be a square depending on the perspective you look from, and your boss could very well not be one either.